- GLORIA 1
- GLORIA 2
- GLORIA 3
- GLORIA 4
[SPOTLIGHT ON GLORIA 1.]
GLORIA 1: 49, 50, 51 -
[SPOTLIGHT COMES UP ON GLORIA 2.]
GLORIA 1 & 2: (JOINING IN) 52, 53, 54 -
[SPOTLIGHT COMES UP ON GLORIA 3.]
GLORIA 1, 2 & 3: (JOINING IN) 55, 56, 57 -
[SPOTLIGHT COMES UP ON GLORIA 4.]
GLORIA 1, 2, 3 & 4: (JOINING IN) 58, 59, 60!
GLORIA 2: Ta dah!
[THEY ALL LIGHT CIGARETTES, TAKE A LONG DRAG. SIGH.]
GLORIA 1: So this guy at the funeral
GLORIA 4: Guy is too kind
GLORIA 2: This jerk
GLORIA 1: This jerk reckons that I can’t go one minute
GLORIA 4: Without lighting a cigarette.
GLORIA 3: One minute!
GLORIA 2: Ha. Showed him.
GLORIA 1: So time to celebrate …
[THEY ALL TAKE ANOTHER DRAG OF THEIR CIGARETTES. EXHALE. SIGH.]
GLORIA 2: That is one of the great things about
GLORIA 4: the magic white cylinder.
GLORIA 3: It’s perfect for any occasion.
GLORIA 1: “Talking with friends”
GLORIA 2: the chat cigarette.
GLORIA 3: “Out with colleagues”
GLORIA 4: the social cigarette.
GLORIA 2: “Having a few drinks”
GLORIA 1: the boozy cigarette.
GLORIA 2: “Having a few more drinks”
GLORIA 3: the boozier cigarette.
GLORIA 1: “Taking a quick break from work”
GLORIA 4: the sidewalk cigarette.
GLORIA 2: Not “smoko” or “fag break”
GLORIA 3: sidewalk cigarette.
GLORIA 1: Much more style
GLORIA 4: which is what cigarettes are all about
GLORIA 1: S
GLORIA 2: t
GLORIA 3: y
GLORIA 1: l
GLORIA 4: e.
GLORIA 1: “What a great meal. I’m stuffed”
GLORIA 4: the apres dinner cigarette.
GLORIA 3: Cigarettes always taste better after an excellent dinner
GLORIA 2: That is if it’s possible for cigarettes to taste better than they already do.
GLORIA 3: “Nothing happening”
GLORIA 1: the bored cigarette.
GLORIA 2: “Impressing the new man”
GLORIA 4: the looking cool cigarette.
GLORIA 3: “Breaking up with the new man”
GLORIA 1: the broken hearted cigarette.
GLORIA 4: “Out for a country drive”
GLORIA 3: the cruise cigarette.
GLORIA 2: “Pack of Holiday Slims thanks.”
GLORIA 1: The cheap cigarette.
GLORIA 3: “I love you, you’re my best friend”
GLORIA 4: the shared cigarette.
GLORIA 1: “I’m broke and this is my last one”
GLORIA 2: the definitely not shared cigarette.
GLORIA 4: “Relaxing in the pergola”
GLORIA 1: the out door cigarette.
GLORIA 3: Isn’t it interesting how many times smoking is linked with relaxing here ?
GLORIA 2: “My parents don’t know I smoke”
GLORIA 1: the illicit cigarette.
GLORIA 4: “On a yacht”
GLORIA 3: the wind and waves cigarette.
GLORIA 4: “On a plane”
GLORIA 1: the dangerous cigarette.
GLORIA 4: “In a petrol station”
GLORIA 2: the very dangerous cigarette.
GLORIA 4: I don’t like the term
GLORIA 2: fag,
GLORIA 3: ciggie,
GLORIA 1: smoke. I prefer to call them by their full name
GLORIA 3: Derived from the fact that it is a smaller version of its antecedent
GLORIA 2: Anti who?
GLORIA 3: Cedent.
GLORIA 4: Ancestor.
GLORIA 2: Which was?
GLORIA 1: The cigar.
GLORIA 4: But whereas cigars are
GLORIA 1: big,
GLORIA 2: heavy
GLORIA 3: awkward.
GLORIA 4: The cigarette is
GLORIA 1: dainty,
GLORIA 2: elegant,
GLORIA 3: convenient
GLORIA 4: and fits perfectly between my
GLORIA 1: dainty,
GLORIA 2: elegant
GLORIA 3: conveniently-well-shaped-for-holding-a-cigarette
GLORIA 4: fingers.
GLORIA 1: I remember my first cigarette. That moment of
GLORIA 3: Realisation
GLORIA 4: Inhalation
GLORIA 2: Excitation.
GLORIA 1: An awakening of
GLORIA 4: Spirit
GLORIA 3: Awareness.
GLORIA 2: Lungs
GLORIA 1: An Epiphany. I used to hide around the corner and watch him
GLORIA 2: Standing on the verandah,
GLORIA 3: Leaning in the doorway,
GLORIA 4: Hair slicked back
GLORIA 1: Dark blue singlet
GLORIA 2: And gripped in his
GLORIA 3: Strong tanned fingers
GLORIA 4: The constant flickering glow.
GLORIA 1: I pinched one of his
GLORIA 2: Kents
GLORIA 3: From the crush top pack
GLORIA 4: on the kitchen table
GLORIA 1: Lit it on the stove
GLORIA 2: And after just one puff
GLORIA 4: I knew
GLORIA 3: Between coughs
GLORIA 1: I had discovered a secret
GLORIA 3: friend
GLORIA 2: conspirator
GLORIA 4: lover
GLORIA 3: God.
GLORIA 1: You can also just call them by their brand.
GLORIA 4: That is also acceptable,
GLORIA 2: As in?
GLORIA 1: “Hand me a Lucky Strike.”
GLORIA 3: “Care for a Dunhill.”
GLORIA 2: “Got any Camels.”
GLORIA 4: “Would you care to share a Citane?”
GLORIA 1: Which brings us to another of the great attractions of cigarettes.
GLORIA 3: Their international
GLORIA 2: flavour.
GLORIA 1: Cigarettes from all over the world
GLORIA 2: many of which I have tried
GLORIA 4: one time or another.
GLORIA 4: English brands
GLORIA 2: Dunhill,
GLORIA 1: Benson & Hedges,
GLORIA 3: Subtle
GLORIA 2: Smooth
GLORIA 4: Rich
GLORIA 1: And Classic.
GLORIA 3: Parliament
GLORIA 2: Very classy.
GLORIA 4: Barclay,
GLORIA 3: Bond Street;
GLORIA 1: American Brands
GLORIA 2: Salem,
GLORIA 3: Winston,
GLORIA 4: L & M,
GLORIA 2: LA Lights,
GLORIA 1: West Coast
GLORIA 3: Mustang Filters
GLORIA 1: East Coast
GLORIA 4: Kool,
GLORIA 2: Kent,
GLORIA 3: The family blend
GLORIA 1: Newport,
GLORIA 4: Winchester.
GLORIA 2: The heavyweights
GLORIA 3: Philip Morris,
GLORIA 4: Rothmans;
GLORIA 1: Asian Brands
GLORIA 4: Eve 120's,
GLORIA 2: Djarum Filter.
GLORIA 3: Kim Slims
GLORIA 2: I love Kim Slims!
GLORIA 1: Mild Seven
GLORIA 3: Asian cigarettes have the coolest names!
GLORIA 2: Not to mention Rollies.
GLORIA 1: Drum.
GLORIA 3: Champion Ruby.
GLORIA 4: Doctor - Pat. (BEAT) European Brands Capri, Cartier, Merit, Monte Carlo, Pall Mall let me know if I forget any here. More -
GLORIA 3: I can’t think of any more.
GLORIA 4: More - as in the brand.
GLORIA 3: Oops.
GLORIA 1: Multifilter
GLORIA 4: Dull name
GLORIA 2: but not bad,
GLORIA 3: Surprisingly.
GLORIA 4: Vogue Slims, Virginia Slims and one of my personal favourites Yves Saint Laurent. Picture me in a small corner shop in Paris.
GLORIA 3: At the counter,
GLORIA 1: dressed in white,
GLORIA 2: hat,
GLORIA 3: scarf,
GLORIA 1: sunglasses,
GLORIA 4: Dior from head to toe.
GLORIA 3: To die for.
GLORIA 4: “One packet of Yves Saint Laurent. Merci. ”
GLORIA 1: Which brings me to another of my favourite things the cigarette fantasy.
GLORIA 2: I’ve got a cigarette fantasy! I smoke ten thousand cigarettes all at once.
GLORIA 4: Simultaneously?
GLORIA 2: No. One after the other. Now I know that sounds like a lot of cigarettes but actually - look at this.
[GLORIA 2 TAKES OUT A PACKET OF CIGARETTES AND PLACES THEM ON THE FLOOR.]
GLORIA 2: Now that is twenty five cigarettes
GLORIA 3: A quarter of a century
GLORIA 2: Not very big is it ? In fact it’s tiny. So you times that by four, you get …
GLORIA 3: one hundred.
GLORIA 2: (INDICATING SIZE WITH HANDS) Still quite small. Times that by 10
GLORIA 3: One thousand.
GLORIA 2: Still not a lot and then by ten again
GLORIA 3: Ten thousand!
GLORIA 2: By ten!
GLORIA 3: One hundred thousand!
GLORIA 2: By ten!
GLORIA 3: One million cigarettes!
GLORIA 1: In this fantasy I am in the most luxurious palace.
GLORIA 4: Silver and gold
GLORIA 3: Heavy oak furniture,
GLORIA 1: polished marble floors,
GLORIA 2: high ceilings,
GLORIA 4: tall windows,
GLORIA 3: framed portraits.
GLORIA 1: History,
GLORIA 2: majesty,
GLORIA 4: class.
GLORIA 1: This house is not my house
GLORIA 4: it is the fabled Shrangri-la of cigarette lovers
GLORIA 3: across the globe.
GLORIA 2: The Palace of Cigarettes.
GLORIA 4: Le Palais de Cigarette.
GLORIA 3: Cigarette heaven.
GLORIA 1: Once I enter Le Palais de Cigarette, a butler
GLORIA 3: very regal,
GLORIA 2: English accent
GLORIA 3: with a voice that sounds like vintage port meets -
GLORIA 2: Golden syrup.
GLORIA 1: Greets me.
GLORIA 4: “Good evening Ma’m.”
GLORIA 1: He bears an engraved silver tray
GLORIA 3: and on the tray is
GLORIA 2: one lone cigarette
GLORIA 1: and a silver lighter.
GLORIA 3: Silver -
GLORIA 2: Not gold.
GLORIA 1: Stylish -
GLORIA 4: Not ostentatious.
GLORIA 1: Now at first I’m a little less than pleased by this.
GLORIA 2: “One cigarette is that it ?”
GLORIA 3: But I have no need to worry.
GLORIA 1: I light up my cigarette and he leads me up an ornate staircase
GLORIA 4: “To a hall which opens on to hundreds and hundreds of rooms”
GLORIA 1: The hall seems to go on and on forever.
GLORIA 2: He leads me towards a door.
GLORIA 4: I knock on the solid heavy timber
GLORIA 3: And in a second the door is opened
GLORIA 1: and I’m confronted by
GLORIA 2: “A cowboy in leather boots and a red check shirt.”
GLORIA 1: He takes me in to the room which is
GLORIA 2: “An old style Wild West Saloon”
GLORIA 1: and sits me down at a battered wooden table.
GLORIA 3: He pours me a shot of
GLORIA 2: “Makers Mark.”
GLORIA 1: and he pulls out a dusty packet of
GLORIA 4: Marlboro’s
GLORIA 2: “tucked underneath his bootstrap.”
GLORIA 1: He offers me one and lights it
GLORIA 2: “With a wax tipped match.”
GLORIA 1: We sit and drink and smoke and chat about his life and times and then
GLORIA 3: before I know it
GLORIA 1: I’m back in the hall,
GLORIA 2: Butler by my side.
GLORIA 4: “This way Ma’m.”
GLORIA 2: Then I’m knocking on another door and I’m back stage
GLORIA 4: At the Moulon Rouge
GLORIA 3: Surrounded by hundreds of gorgeous showgirls
GLORIA 2: In the most incredible costumes.
GLORIA 1: We huddle in the corner of their cramped dressing room,
GLORIA 4: Puffing on Gauloises,
GLORIA 3: Giggling
GLORIA 2: And gossiping
GLORIA 4: About the glamour of the stage
GLORIA 1: And the mysterious stranger who always sits at the back table,
GLORIA 3: face half covered in shadow,
GLORIA 2: who is rumoured to be
GLORIA 4: a very wealthy Crown Prince
GLORIA 3: with an eye on one of the showgirls.
GLORIA 1: “Me!”
GLORIA 2: “No me!”
GLORIA 3: “No me!’
GLORIA 4: “No me.”
GLORIA 1: Now I’m on the set of a
GLORIA 2: Fellini movie
GLORIA 4: with the most beautiful woman of all time
GLORIA 3: “Claudia Cardinale”
GLORIA 2: In my humble opinion.
GLORIA 1: We’re in her dressing room
GLORIA 3: “Smoking a Zenit Triplo”
GLORIA 1: And I’m trying to console her,
GLORIA 4: “Forget Federico’s wild moods”
GLORIA 2: “Trust in your own gift”
GLORIA 1: “Your pure talent, your “
GLORIA 3: “Magnificent beauty”.
GLORIA 1: Another room and I’m in
GLORIA 4: “Moscow. The day before the October revolution”
GLORIA 1: Sitting across the table from
GLORIA 4: “Vladimir Ilich Lenin”
GLORIA 1: With a Stolichnye in hand
GLORIA 4: “The cigarette not the vodka”
GLORIA 1: plotting the Tsar’s downfall.
GLORIA 3: In another room
GLORIA 2: There’s the whole of the Sydney Cricket Ground.
GLORIA 1: I’m in the Aussies dressing room sharing a
GLORIA 2: “Stuyvo with Warnie.”
GLORIA 1: Then Adam Gilchrist says:
GLORIA 3: “Hey, you’re not allowed to smoke in here”
GLORIA 2: “Wuss!”
GLORIA 1: Warnie just laughs and hands me another. Next I’m in a -
GLORIA 4: Tokyo restaurant,
GLORIA 3: Prague café,
GLORIA 2: Munich beer hall,
GLORIA 1: Beijing square,
GLORIA 4: London club.
GLORIA 1: Every room
GLORIA 2: Another destination,
GLORIA 3: Another time,
GLORIA 4: Another magical companion
GLORIA 1: All linked by our universal passion
GLORIA 2: the greatest invention of all time
GLORIA 3: the glue that holds mankind
GLORIA 4: and womankind
GLORIA 3: together.
GLORIA 1: Le Palais de Cigarette.
GLORIA 2: A living,
GLORIA 3: breathing
GLORIA 4: interactive
GLORIA 1: Smokers museum!
[SILENCE. GLORIA 3 COUGHS. PAUSE. SHE COUGHS AGAIN.]
GLORIA 4: Or should that be Mausoleum?
GLORIA 2: They had a brand of cigarettes called “Death” once didn’t they ?
GLORIA 3: Yeah. It was cool.
GLORIA 1: It was in a black packet with like skull and cross bones.
GLORIA 2: Brilliant!
GLORIA 4: We loved it.
GLORIA 1: Pity the cigarettes inside were so crap.
[THEY ALL NOD IN AGREEMENT.]
GLORIA 2: Death cigarettes. Pretty ironic huh?
[GLORIA 2 LAUGHS. THE OTHERS TURN TO LOOK AT HER. GLORIA 2 STOPS LAUGHING.]
GLORIA 1: Non-smokers think the danger aspect of smoking is a real turn off.
ALL: Wrong !
GLORIA 3: Smokers love the danger.
GLORIA 4: Cheating the grim reaper,
GLORIA 1: They put their pathetic warnings on cigarette boxes,
GLORIA 2: Spend all this money on tacky adds,
GLORIA 3: Offer us nicotine patches,
GLORIA 4: how to quit classes,
GLORIA 1: breakthrough weekends,
GLORIA 2: spiritual healing.
GLORIA 3: Wrong!
GLORIA 4: Wrong!
GLORIA 1: Wrong! Don’t you understand if we wanted to stop smoking we would.
GLORIA 2: I will give up.
GLORIA 3: Just not today.
GLORIA 4: Like that poet once said: Those something somethings
GLORIA 3: “half in love with easeful death”.
GLORIA 2: He was talking about smokers
GLORIA 4: Because we recognise that in the end life is
GLORIA 2: Fleeting,
GLORIA 3: transient,
GLORIA 1: momentary
GLORIA 4: and trying to hold on to it is like
GLORIA 3: trying to catch smoke
GLORIA 4: in the palm of your hand.
GLORIA 1: Or maybe we just like smoking too much to give a damn.
[GLORIA 3 COUGHS AGAIN. THEY ALL TURN TO LOOK AT HER.]
GLORIA 3: Sorry.
GLORIA 2: I think they should start up a Cigarette smokers Hall of Fame.
GLORIA 1: Entry only available for those who have smoked
GLORIA 2: 1,000,000 cigarettes.
[GLORIA 4 COUGHS. THEY ALL TURN TO LOOK AT HER.]
GLORIA 4: Sorry.
GLORIA 2: Now you might think that is impossible but I worked it out. If you started (COUGHS) at say 14 years of age and you smoked a (COUGHS) and a half a day not that hard, I do that occasionally you’d be ready for the Hall of (COUGH) by the time you were (COUGH). Now that would be a (COUGH). I wonder if anybody’s (COUGH COUGH). Maybe I could be the (COUGH). The very first to enter the (COUGH COUGH COUGH)
GLORIA 1: Maybe you should reduce the number
GLORIA 2: 500,000 …
GLORIA 4: 100,000 …
GLORIA 3: 50,000 …
[GLORIA 1 COUGHS.]
GLORIA 2: 10,000.
GLORIA 3: (TO GLORIA 2) You sounded just like …
GLORIA 4: Dad.
GLORIA 1: He lay on a hospital bed for two months coughing just like that. Still didn’t stop. He’d sit out on the verandah,
GLORIA 2: Of the hospital ,
GLORIA 1: In a wheel chair, smoke pouring out of the little plastic hole they dug in to his throat. Doctors had given up trying to make him quit. What was the point ? Right to the very end, died with the
ALL: Constant flickering glow
GLORIA 2: Of a Kent
GLORIA 1: in his filthy yellow fingers. Still wearing that stupid blue singlet. He was 47. Wife and four daughters
GLORIA 2: who
GLORIA 3: all
GLORIA 4: smoke.
GLORIA 2: Nice funeral.
GLORIA 3: Not really.
GLORIA 1: What you need to understand is the trick isn’t stopping it’s not starting in the first place. I’ll go for two minutes this time. 1, 2, 3,
GLORIA 2: (JOINING IN) 4, 5, 6,
GLORIA 3: (JOINING IN) 7, 8, 9,
GLORIA 4: (JOINING IN) 10, 11, 12 -
[THE LIGHTS FADE AS THEY CONTINUE TO COUNT.]
* * *
Copyright © 2005 by Alex Broun
CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that 10,000 Cigarettes is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional and amateur stage performing, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound taping, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as information storage and retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved.
Inquiries concerning all rights should be addressed to the author at email@example.com