[SPOTLIGHT ON GLORIA 1.]

GLORIA 1: 49, 50, 51 -

[SPOTLIGHT COMES UP ON GLORIA 2.]

GLORIA 1 & 2: (JOINING IN) 52, 53, 54 -

[SPOTLIGHT COMES UP ON GLORIA 3.]

GLORIA 1, 2 & 3: (JOINING IN) 55, 56, 57 -

[SPOTLIGHT COMES UP ON GLORIA 4.]

GLORIA 1, 2, 3 & 4: (JOINING IN) 58, 59, 60!

GLORIA 2: Ta dah!

[THEY ALL LIGHT CIGARETTES, TAKE A LONG DRAG. SIGH.]

GLORIA 1: So this guy at the funeral –

GLORIA 4: Guy is too kind –

GLORIA 2: This jerk –

GLORIA 1: This jerk reckons that I can’t go one minute

GLORIA 4: Without lighting a cigarette.

GLORIA 3: One minute!

GLORIA 2: Ha. Showed him.

GLORIA 1: So time to celebrate …

[THEY ALL TAKE ANOTHER DRAG OF THEIR CIGARETTES. EXHALE. SIGH.]

GLORIA 2: That is one of the great things about –

GLORIA 4: the magic white cylinder.

GLORIA 3: It’s perfect for any occasion.

GLORIA 1: “Talking with friends” –

GLORIA 2: the chat cigarette.

GLORIA 3: “Out with colleagues” –

GLORIA 4: the social cigarette.

GLORIA 2: “Having a few drinks” –

GLORIA 1: the boozy cigarette.

GLORIA 2: “Having a few more drinks” –

GLORIA 3: the boozier cigarette.

GLORIA 1: “Taking a quick break from work” –

GLORIA 4: the sidewalk cigarette.

GLORIA 2: Not “smoko” or “fag break”

GLORIA 3: – sidewalk cigarette.

GLORIA 1: Much more style –

GLORIA 4: which is what cigarettes are all about –

GLORIA 1: S –

GLORIA 2: t –

GLORIA 3: y –

GLORIA 1: l –

GLORIA 4: e.

ALL: Style.

GLORIA 1: “What a great meal. I’m stuffed” –

GLORIA 4: the apres dinner cigarette.

GLORIA 3: Cigarettes always taste better after an excellent dinner –

GLORIA 2: That is if it’s possible for cigarettes to taste better than they already do.

GLORIA 3: “Nothing happening”

GLORIA 1: – the bored cigarette.

GLORIA 2: “Impressing the new man” –

GLORIA 4: the looking cool cigarette.

GLORIA 3: “Breaking up with the new man” –

GLORIA 1: the broken hearted cigarette.

GLORIA 4: “Out for a country drive”

GLORIA 3: – the cruise cigarette.

GLORIA 2: “Pack of Holiday Slims thanks.”

GLORIA 1: The cheap cigarette.

GLORIA 3: “I love you, you’re my best friend”

GLORIA 4: – the shared cigarette.

GLORIA 1: “I’m broke and this is my last one” –

GLORIA 2: the definitely not shared cigarette.

GLORIA 4: “Relaxing in the pergola” –

GLORIA 1: the out door cigarette.

GLORIA 3: Isn’t it interesting how many times smoking is linked with relaxing here ?

GLORIA 2: “My parents don’t know I smoke”

GLORIA 1: – the illicit cigarette.

GLORIA 4: “On a yacht” –

GLORIA 3: the wind and waves cigarette.

GLORIA 4: “On a plane” –

GLORIA 1: the dangerous cigarette.

GLORIA 4: “In a petrol station” –

GLORIA 2: the very dangerous cigarette.

GLORIA 4: I don’t like the term

GLORIA 2: fag,

GLORIA 3: ciggie,

GLORIA 1: smoke. I prefer to call them by their full name –

ALL: cigarette.

GLORIA 3: Derived from the fact that it is a smaller version of its antecedent –

GLORIA 2: Anti – who?

GLORIA 3: Cedent.

GLORIA 4: Ancestor.

GLORIA 2: Which was?

GLORIA 1: The cigar.

GLORIA 4: But whereas cigars are

GLORIA 1: big,

GLORIA 2: heavy

GLORIA 3: awkward.

GLORIA 4: The cigarette is –

GLORIA 1: dainty,

GLORIA 2: elegant,

GLORIA 3: convenient

GLORIA 4: and fits perfectly between my

GLORIA 1: dainty,

GLORIA 2: elegant

GLORIA 3: conveniently-well-shaped-for-holding-a-cigarette

GLORIA 4: fingers.

GLORIA 1: I remember my first cigarette. That moment of –

GLORIA 3: Realisation

GLORIA 4: Inhalation

GLORIA 2: Excitation.

GLORIA 1: An awakening of

GLORIA 4: Spirit

GLORIA 3: Awareness.

GLORIA 2: Lungs

GLORIA 1: An Epiphany. I used to hide around the corner and watch him

GLORIA 2: Standing on the verandah,

GLORIA 3: Leaning in the doorway,

GLORIA 4: Hair slicked back –

GLORIA 1: Dark blue singlet

GLORIA 2: And gripped in his

GLORIA 3: Strong tanned fingers

GLORIA 4: The constant flickering glow.

GLORIA 1: I pinched one of his

GLORIA 2: Kents

GLORIA 3: From the crush top pack

GLORIA 4: on the kitchen table

GLORIA 1: Lit it on the stove

GLORIA 2: And after just one puff –

GLORIA 4: I knew

GLORIA 3: Between coughs

GLORIA 1: I had discovered a secret

GLORIA 3: friend

GLORIA 2: conspirator

GLORIA 4: lover

GLORIA 3: God.

[BEAT.]

GLORIA 1: You can also just call them by their brand.

GLORIA 4: That is also acceptable,

GLORIA 2: As in?

GLORIA 1: “Hand me a Lucky Strike.”

GLORIA 3: “Care for a Dunhill.”

GLORIA 2: “Got any Camels.”

GLORIA 4: “Would you care to share a Citane?”

GLORIA 1: Which brings us to another of the great attractions of cigarettes.

GLORIA 3: Their international –

GLORIA 2: flavour.

GLORIA 1: Cigarettes from all over the world –

GLORIA 2: many of which I have tried

GLORIA 4: one time or another.

GLORIA 4: English brands –

GLORIA 2: Dunhill,

GLORIA 1: Benson & Hedges,

GLORIA 3: Subtle

GLORIA 2: Smooth

GLORIA 4: Rich

GLORIA 1: And Classic.

GLORIA 3: Parliament –

GLORIA 2: Very classy.

GLORIA 4: Barclay,

GLORIA 3: Bond Street;

GLORIA 1: American Brands –

GLORIA 2: Salem,

GLORIA 3: Winston,

GLORIA 4: L & M,

GLORIA 2: LA Lights,

GLORIA 1: West Coast

GLORIA 3: Mustang Filters

GLORIA 1: East Coast

GLORIA 4: Kool,

GLORIA 2: Kent,

GLORIA 3: The family blend

GLORIA 1: Newport,

GLORIA 4: Winchester.

GLORIA 2: The heavyweights –

GLORIA 3: Philip Morris,

GLORIA 4: Rothmans;

GLORIA 1: Asian Brands –

GLORIA 4: Eve 120's,

GLORIA 2: Djarum Filter.

GLORIA 3: Kim Slims –

GLORIA 2: I love Kim Slims!

GLORIA 1: Mild Seven –

GLORIA 3: Asian cigarettes have the coolest names!

GLORIA 2: Not to mention Rollies.

GLORIA 1: Drum.

GLORIA 3: Champion Ruby.

GLORIA 4: Doctor - Pat. (BEAT) European Brands – Capri, Cartier, Merit, Monte Carlo, Pall Mall – let me know if I forget any here. More -

GLORIA 3: I can’t think of any more.

GLORIA 4: More - as in the brand.

GLORIA 3: Oops.

GLORIA 1: Multifilter –

GLORIA 4: Dull name

GLORIA 2: but not bad,

GLORIA 3: Surprisingly.

GLORIA 4: Vogue Slims, Virginia Slims and one of my personal favourites – Yves Saint Laurent. Picture me in a small corner shop in Paris.

GLORIA 3: At the counter,

GLORIA 1: dressed in white,

GLORIA 2: hat,

GLORIA 3: scarf,

GLORIA 1: sunglasses,

GLORIA 4: Dior from head to toe.

GLORIA 3: To die for.

GLORIA 4: “One packet of Yves Saint Laurent. Merci. ”

GLORIA 1: Which brings me to another of my favourite things – the cigarette fantasy.

GLORIA 2: I’ve got a cigarette fantasy! I smoke ten thousand cigarettes – all at once.

GLORIA 4: Simultaneously?

GLORIA 2: No. One after the other. Now I know that sounds like a lot of cigarettes but actually - look at this.

[GLORIA 2 TAKES OUT A PACKET OF CIGARETTES AND PLACES THEM ON THE FLOOR.]

GLORIA 2: Now that is twenty five cigarettes –

GLORIA 3: A quarter of a century –

GLORIA 2: Not very big is it ? In fact it’s tiny. So you times that by four, you get …

GLORIA 3: one hundred.

GLORIA 2: (INDICATING SIZE WITH HANDS) Still quite small. Times that by 10

GLORIA 3: One thousand.

GLORIA 2: Still not a lot and then by ten again –

GLORIA 3: Ten thousand!

GLORIA 2: By ten!

GLORIA 3: One hundred thousand!

GLORIA 2: By ten!

GLORIA 3: One million cigarettes!

[PAUSE.]

GLORIA 1: In this fantasy I am in the most luxurious palace.

GLORIA 4: Silver and gold

GLORIA 3: Heavy oak furniture,

GLORIA 1: polished marble floors,

GLORIA 2: high ceilings,

GLORIA 4: tall windows,

GLORIA 3: framed portraits.

GLORIA 1: History,

GLORIA 2: majesty,

GLORIA 4: class.

GLORIA 1: This house is not my house –

GLORIA 4: it is the fabled Shrangri-la of cigarette lovers

GLORIA 3: across the globe.

GLORIA 2: The Palace of Cigarettes.

GLORIA 4: Le Palais de Cigarette.

GLORIA 3: Cigarette heaven.

GLORIA 1: Once I enter Le Palais de Cigarette, a butler –

GLORIA 3: very regal,

GLORIA 2: English accent –

GLORIA 3: with a voice that sounds like vintage port meets -

GLORIA 2: Golden syrup.

GLORIA 1: Greets me.

GLORIA 4: “Good evening Ma’m.”

GLORIA 1: He bears an engraved silver tray

GLORIA 3: and on the tray is

GLORIA 2: one lone cigarette

GLORIA 1: and a silver lighter.

GLORIA 3: Silver -

GLORIA 2: Not gold.

GLORIA 1: Stylish -

GLORIA 4: Not ostentatious.

GLORIA 1: Now at first I’m a little less than pleased by this.

GLORIA 2: “One cigarette – is that it ?”

GLORIA 3: But I have no need to worry.

GLORIA 1: I light up my cigarette and he leads me up an ornate staircase

GLORIA 4: “To a hall which opens on to hundreds and hundreds of rooms”

GLORIA 1: The hall seems to go on and on – forever.

GLORIA 2: He leads me towards a door.

GLORIA 4: I knock on the solid heavy timber

GLORIA 3: And in a second the door is opened

GLORIA 1: and I’m confronted by

GLORIA 2: “A cowboy in leather boots and a red check shirt.”

GLORIA 1: He takes me in to the room which is

GLORIA 2: “An old style Wild West Saloon”

GLORIA 1: and sits me down at a battered wooden table.

GLORIA 3: He pours me a shot of –

GLORIA 2: “Makers Mark.”

GLORIA 1: and he pulls out a dusty packet of

GLORIA 4: Marlboro’s

GLORIA 2: “tucked underneath his bootstrap.”

GLORIA 1: He offers me one and lights it

GLORIA 2: “With a wax tipped match.”

GLORIA 1: We sit and drink and smoke and chat about his life and times and then

GLORIA 3: before I know it

GLORIA 1: I’m back in the hall,

GLORIA 2: Butler by my side.

GLORIA 4: “This way Ma’m.”

GLORIA 2: Then I’m knocking on another door and I’m back stage –

GLORIA 4: At the Moulon Rouge

GLORIA 3: Surrounded by hundreds of gorgeous showgirls

GLORIA 2: In the most incredible costumes.

GLORIA 1: We huddle in the corner of their cramped dressing room,

GLORIA 4: Puffing on Gauloises,

GLORIA 3: Giggling

GLORIA 2: And gossiping

GLORIA 4: About the glamour of the stage

GLORIA 1: And the mysterious stranger who always sits at the back table,

GLORIA 3: face half covered in shadow,

GLORIA 2: who is rumoured to be

GLORIA 4: a very wealthy Crown Prince

GLORIA 3: with an eye on one of the showgirls.

GLORIA 1: “Me!”

GLORIA 2: “No me!”

GLORIA 3: “No me!’

GLORIA 4: “No – me.”

GLORIA 1: Now I’m on the set of a

GLORIA 2: Fellini movie

GLORIA 4: with the most beautiful woman of all time –

GLORIA 3: “Claudia Cardinale”

GLORIA 2: In my humble opinion.

GLORIA 1: We’re in her dressing room

GLORIA 3: “Smoking a Zenit Triplo”

GLORIA 1: And I’m trying to console her,

GLORIA 4: “Forget Federico’s wild moods”

GLORIA 2: “Trust in your own gift”

GLORIA 1: “Your pure talent, your – “

GLORIA 3: “Magnificent beauty”.

GLORIA 1: Another room and I’m in

GLORIA 4: “Moscow. The day before the October revolution”

GLORIA 1: Sitting across the table from

GLORIA 4: “Vladimir Ilich Lenin”

GLORIA 1: With a Stolichnye in hand –

GLORIA 4: “The cigarette not the vodka”

GLORIA 1: plotting the Tsar’s downfall.

GLORIA 3: In another room

GLORIA 2: There’s the whole of the Sydney Cricket Ground.

GLORIA 1: I’m in the Aussies dressing room sharing a

GLORIA 2: “Stuyvo with Warnie.”

GLORIA 1: Then Adam Gilchrist says:

GLORIA 3: “Hey, you’re not allowed to smoke in here”

GLORIA 2: “Wuss!”

GLORIA 1: Warnie just laughs and hands me another. Next I’m in a -

GLORIA 4: Tokyo restaurant,

GLORIA 3: Prague café,

GLORIA 2: Munich beer hall,

GLORIA 1: Beijing square,

GLORIA 4: London club.

GLORIA 1: Every room

GLORIA 2: Another destination,

GLORIA 3: Another time,

GLORIA 4: Another magical companion –

GLORIA 1: All linked by our universal passion –

GLORIA 2: the greatest invention of all time –

GLORIA 3: the glue that holds mankind –

GLORIA 4: and womankind

GLORIA 3: together.

GLORIA 1: Le Palais de Cigarette.

GLORIA 2: A living,

GLORIA 3: breathing

GLORIA 4: interactive

GLORIA 1: Smokers museum!

[SILENCE. GLORIA 3 COUGHS. PAUSE. SHE COUGHS AGAIN.]

GLORIA 4: Or should that be Mausoleum?

[BEAT.]

GLORIA 2: They had a brand of cigarettes called “Death” once didn’t they ?

GLORIA 3: Yeah. It was cool.

GLORIA 1: It was in a black packet with like skull and cross bones.

GLORIA 2: Brilliant!

GLORIA 4: We loved it.

GLORIA 1: Pity the cigarettes inside were so crap.

[THEY ALL NOD IN AGREEMENT.]

GLORIA 2: Death cigarettes. Pretty ironic huh?

[GLORIA 2 LAUGHS. THE OTHERS TURN TO LOOK AT HER. GLORIA 2 STOPS LAUGHING.]

GLORIA 1: Non-smokers think the danger aspect of smoking is a real turn off.

ALL: Wrong !

GLORIA 3: Smokers love the danger.

GLORIA 4: Cheating the grim reaper,

GLORIA 1: They put their pathetic warnings on cigarette boxes,

GLORIA 2: Spend all this money on tacky adds,

GLORIA 3: Offer us nicotine patches,

GLORIA 4: how to quit classes,

GLORIA 1: breakthrough weekends,

GLORIA 2: spiritual healing.

GLORIA 3: Wrong!

GLORIA 4: Wrong!

GLORIA 1: Wrong! Don’t you understand if we wanted to stop smoking we would.

GLORIA 2: I will give up.

GLORIA 3: Just not today.

GLORIA 4: Like that poet once said: Those something somethings –

GLORIA 3: “half in love with easeful death”.

GLORIA 2: He was talking about smokers

GLORIA 4: Because we recognise that in the end life is

GLORIA 2: Fleeting,

GLORIA 3: transient,

GLORIA 1: momentary

GLORIA 4: and trying to hold on to it is like

GLORIA 3: trying to catch smoke

GLORIA 4: in the palm of your hand.

GLORIA 1: Or maybe we just like smoking too much to give a damn.

[GLORIA 3 COUGHS AGAIN. THEY ALL TURN TO LOOK AT HER.]

GLORIA 3: Sorry.

GLORIA 2: I think they should start up a Cigarette smokers Hall of Fame.

GLORIA 1: Entry only available for those who have smoked

GLORIA 2: 1,000,000 cigarettes.

[GLORIA 4 COUGHS. THEY ALL TURN TO LOOK AT HER.]

GLORIA 4: Sorry.

GLORIA 2: Now you might think that is impossible but I worked it out. If you started (COUGHS) at say 14 years of age and you smoked a (COUGHS) and a half a day – not that hard, I do that occasionally – you’d be ready for the Hall of (COUGH) by the time you were (COUGH). Now that would be a (COUGH). I wonder if anybody’s (COUGH COUGH). Maybe I could be the (COUGH). The very first to enter the (COUGH COUGH COUGH)

GLORIA 1: Maybe you should reduce the number –

GLORIA 2: 500,000 …

GLORIA 4: 100,000 …

GLORIA 3: 50,000 …

[GLORIA 1 COUGHS.]

GLORIA 2: 10,000.

GLORIA 3: (TO GLORIA 2) You sounded just like …

GLORIA 4: Dad.

[PAUSE.]

GLORIA 1: He lay on a hospital bed for two months coughing just like that. Still didn’t stop. He’d sit out on the verandah,

GLORIA 2: Of the hospital ,

GLORIA 1: In a wheel chair, smoke pouring out of the little plastic hole they dug in to his throat. Doctors had given up trying to make him quit. What was the point ? Right to the very end, died with the

ALL: Constant flickering glow

GLORIA 2: Of a Kent

GLORIA 1: in his filthy yellow fingers. Still wearing that stupid blue singlet. He was 47. Wife and four daughters –

GLORIA 2: who

GLORIA 3: all

GLORIA 4: smoke.

GLORIA 2: Nice funeral.

GLORIA 3: Not really.

GLORIA 1: What you need to understand is the trick isn’t stopping – it’s not starting in the first place. I’ll go for two minutes this time. 1, 2, 3,

GLORIA 2: (JOINING IN) 4, 5, 6,

GLORIA 3: (JOINING IN) 7, 8, 9,

GLORIA 4: (JOINING IN) 10, 11, 12 -

[THE LIGHTS FADE AS THEY CONTINUE TO COUNT.]