[SOUNDS of dogs barking, people chatting, splashing, owners calling their dogs, etc. JAKE sits, squatting. He watches something moving offstage, his head going from the left to the right, right to left, left to right. HE snorts. ENTER TIGER, his hair wet, runs around JAKE.]
[TIGER runs off again. JAKE watches.]
[TIGER runs back on, panting.]
TIGER: Fucking water, I tell you, Jake, you hear me?
[TIGER shakes his wet ears. Jake shields himself.]
TIGER: Water is so, y’know...wet...
JAKE: You drink any?
TIGER: Listen, you gotta try it. Y’know? I mean... Wow. Ball, where’s my ... so cold, where’s my ball? There!
[He runs off, then stops.]
You stay here. I got it.
[TIGER runs off. Comes back with ball. Pants. JAKE snorts.]
TIGER: Yeah, Jake.
JAKE: You drink any water?
TIGER: No ... what? Water? Why the fuck ...
JAKE: You gotta drink water, Tiger. I keep telling you.
TIGER: Fuck water. Who needs water? I am a god! The humans don’t know, talk their stupid words at us, watch us run, but I have boundless energy ... Today is the day.
JAKE: Fuckin’ puppy. You’re going to die of panting.
TIGER: You going in?
JAKE: Fuck no.
TIGER: Ball? Let’s play!
[HE throws the ball at JAKE. JAKE doesn’t move. The ball bounces off him. HE snorts. TIGER runs to get it.]
JAKE: Fuck off.
TIGER: Ball. Yeah? We play ball, Jake. That’s what we do. We’re dogs. I feel it today. Life is good, you know?
DUKE: Fucking human, fucking human, fucking human, fucking human ...
DUKE: Fucking human! Two-legged monstrosities ...
JAKE: Same old story ...
DUKE: They got, you know, they are without a doubt, no decency ... the common sense to, treat us like we’re ... what are we, animals? We’re not animals. Am I wrong in this? Fuck that, those god-damn cocksucking humans.
TIGER: Hi, Duke!
JAKE: You got my biscuit?
DUKE: I’m pulling the chain, my leash too tight, I try to tell him, talk to him, you know ... I don’t want trouble, I just have to fucking pee, right? Am I right? You can’t talk to these creatures. They’re not decent. They don’t understand. Doesn’t matter how much, how loud you bark. I can’t just pee anywhere. I pull, I have to find my, you know, it’s my, there’s a reason why I pee where I pee. It’s my spot. It’s what I ... and he ... you know ... He jerks me back. Jerks me, (what am I?) ... fucking, jerks like no tomorrow, I’m gagging, my tongue hanging out the side of my fucking neck while that two-legged asshole talks up a storm with some other two-legged blonde with those weird, what you call them, breasts, and I’m the “bad dog”. Bad dog? Me? I have to fucking pee, right? Is it my fault that nature doth call upon me at this time? I tell you, Jake, it’s no way to treat another living being ... There was a time (when I had some teeth) I’d bite and I’d bite hard. It’s what I would do. Instead we have this. This. It’s shit. Do we live in a world of dogs or a world of men?
JAKE: So what? You do something?
DUKE: Did I do something, Jake? Did I...? Let me tell you what I did.
DUKE: I peed all over that breasty blonde two-legged. Right on her little shoes. Call me “bad dog” you gonna see the bad dog rear its ugly head. We are not animals, am I right?
JAKE: We are.
JAKE: We are animals.
DUKE: But not those kind of animals, Jake. Not those... (what are you, arguing) ... not like wild animals, beasts untamed and whatnot.
JAKE: (I’m just saying...)
DUKE: (Don’t push...)
JAKE: Place is going to the humans. You got my biscuit?
JAKE: You owe me.
[TIGER throws the ball at DUKE, who doesn’t flinch. TIGER runs after it. Eventually drops it on the ground.]
DUKE: What the fuck the pup doing here?
JAKE: It’s a free park.
DUKE: It happen yet? He (you know) do the deed?
JAKE: Says today is the day.
DUKE: Bullshit. I’ll eat cat litter if he even sniffs the butt of some bitch.
JAKE: I like cat litter.
DUKE: Shut up.
JAKE: Fresh. You know. It’s minty. Right after I chew a bone.
DUKE: You disgust me.
TIGER: Hey, Duke, you going in the water?
DUKE: You talk to any bitches yet, Tiger?
TIGER: Aw, no, you know, Duke, I ... they ... it doesn’t ...
DUKE: Let me tell you something about bitches, okay? Let me enlighten you ...
JAKE: Take it easy on him, Duke
DUKE: What, I can’t talk to him, it’s like forbidden. No one can converse with your pup?
JAKE: No, it’s just that...
DUKE: So, Tiger, you know, the park is full of bitches. And I say this is the truth and the truth shall wag our tails. Those bitches. They’re in heat. They’re not in heat. Whatever. They stroll. They tease. What is that smell they put off? They want you to sniff their butt, lick their ears, get all friendly, get all carnal ... and what do they ... how do the bitches repay you for this affection? They steal your chew toys. Know what I’m talking about?
DUKE: But you gotta play it cool, like your balls aren’t on fire (god, I miss my balls) and then you gotta tear into them when you can, right? You been practicing on the two-leggeds?
TIGER: I can’t stop. I see a leg, I go to town.
DUKE: That’s a good boy!
TIGER: Oh yeah. They see the pink.
JAKE: I’m so glad I’m fucking neutered.
DUKE: See that bitch over there? The border collie?
TIGER: What about that other one? By the water.
DUKE: The Shitzu? I don’t think so, Tiger. You can’t climb Mt. Rainier first time hiking, right?
[ENTER BAMBI who goes to the ball.]
TIGER: Hey, she’s got my ball.
DUKE: Poodles. Might as well wear a sign that says, “Come on in...”
JAKE: Go talk to her, Tiger. But don’t just talk to her. You know? Talk to her.
TIGER: Talk to her?
DUKE: Yeah, but don’t just talk to her, you know, talk to her.
[TIGER moves over towards BAMBI.]
BAMBI: This your ball?
TIGER: Ball. Ball. My ball.
BAMBI: You’re a smart one, aren’t you?
TIGER: Can I sniff your butt?
[TIGER tries to sniff at her butt but she moves away.]
BAMBI: Dogs ... why are you so ... What are you? Retriever? I’m not looking for―Hey, you ... Do I have to spell things out for you?
TIGER: If I can’t sniff your butt, can I have my ball back. Please. My ball.
BAMBI: Get lost.
DUKE: Shit. She’s a cocktease.
JAKE: At this point, you can’t say that.
DUKE: Show her the pink!
BAMBI: Those your friends over there? Real nice.
TIGER: Hey, look, listen to me ... wait ... will you listen? Will you? Please. I got ... this is my first time I’m talking to a bitch, you know ...
BAMBI: We don’t like that term ...
TIGER: (I’m sorry)
BAMBI: (It’s all right). You’re cute.
TIGER: Listen, I ... you got my ball, you have a smell, I smell you, and you’re touching that other, that part of me ... Look, I’m not making sense. We’re talking, right?
TIGER: But are we talking?
BAMBI: What the fuck you talking about?
TIGER: Look ... I haven’t had, I want to show you my ... here’s the thing.
BAMBI: You’re not ... hey ... it’s okay ...
TIGER: I want to do more than sniff your butt. You know? You and I, we could frolic together over there in the bushes ...
BAMBI: Frolic? You want to frolic with me?
TIGER: Down there in that corner, where its dark and smells like rotting garbage ...
BAMBI: I love rotting garbage ...
TIGER: And we could roll around in it and lick each other ...
BAMBI: So far, so good ...
DUKE: He’s talking to her. Yeah, he is. But is he talking.
JAKE: He’s talking.
TIGER: But I need my ball back when we’re done.
BAMBI: How long this gonna take?
TIGER: So fast you won’t even know it happened.
BAMBI: I need to get back for my fetch. I love the water.
TIGER: Yeah, me too. It’s so ... wet. Let’s go.
[TIGER and BAMBI run off. JAKE snorts.]
DUKE: Fuck, can you believe ... he just talked to her and then suddenly ... you know.
JAKE: I know.
DUKE: Fucking bitches.
JAKE: Right. So that’s another biscuit you owe me.
DUKE: Fuck. You going in?
JAKE: In the water?
JAKE: Fuck no.
DUKE: You gotta live, Jake. That’s what I’m saying ...
JAKE: What are you saying?
DUKE: Life is ... you know, we can’t just sulk in the doghouse ... we gotta live. We must swim. We must chew. We are dogs. Right? That’s what we do. I gotta poop. You want me to bring back a stick for ya?
JAKE: I want my biscuits.
[DUKE EXITS. TIGER ENTERS, running and panting, goes to Jake.]
TIGER: Wow! Right? Am I right ... that’s just better than water ...
JAKE: You done already?
TIGER: I mean, y’know ... that felt great! [pants] Ball! Where’s my...? That bitch took my ball!
[TIGER runs OFF again after his ball. JAKE snorts.]
JAKE: Fucking puppy.
[SOUNDS of dogs barking. Splashing. LIGHTS OUT.]