- BLACK WIDOW
- BIBLE GIRL
[While getting the newspaper BOB discovers a BLACK WIDOW on his front porch.]
BOB: Whoah! Hey… wow.
BLACK WIDOW: How ya doin’.
BOB: Oh boy. Uh…
BLACK WIDOW: Mornin’ Sunshine.
BOB: You’re not what I think you are… are you?
BLACK WIDOW: That’s right honey.
BLACK WIDOW: Black. Eight long legs. Red hour glass on my ass.
BOB: A black widow.
BLACK WIDOW: Am I the biggest one you ever saw?
BOB: You are the biggest one I ever saw.
BLACK WIDOW: Welcome to the neighborhood.
BOB: [staring] Yea.
BLACK WIDOW: Hello? Hon? Are ya there?
BOB: Huh? Sorry I just…
BLACK WIDOW: Stunning huh. This your first house?
BOB: Um… well.
BLACK WIDOW: Yea, I figured. That’s your first baby too. Huh child?
BOB: You, you saw my…
BLACK WIDOW: Oh yes, he’s gonna be a tasty little morsel.
BOB: Oh gezz. What am I gonna do with you?
BLACK WIDOW: First house, first kid, you’re not used to this stuff huh?
BOB: What stuff?
BLACK WIDOW: Stuff that you can’t ignore until it goes away.
BLACK WIDOW: Don’t deny it! I’m right baby. Every personal problem you ever had you would just ignore ‘til it went away. Can’t do that now man, you got a kid, a house, problems like me can’t be ignored. Leaky faucets, baby colds, termites, poopy diarrhea diapers, mice, black widows on your doorsteps, overhanging trees that need to be topped, this shit don’t go away Bob.
BOB: You know my…?
BLACK WIDOW: Yes, I know your name. Look I’m not really a day arachnid okay? Sun’s comin’ up so I’m just gonna turn in.
BOB: Wait. You’re going away, you’re going to hide?
BLACK WIDOW: I’m gonna have a little beauty rest, unless that baby of yours comes by and disturbs me, which he might, babies love to stick their fingers into little crevices where they don’t belong. You have baby proofed your house, right Bob?
BOB: Well, I’m…
BLACK WIDOW: Plugged up all your unused outlets?
BOB: I was just…
BLACK WIDOW: You can’t ignore this stuff Bob!
BOB: Look, buying plastic dohickys for the outlets I can do. I just have a problem with…
BLACK WIDOW: Bugs.
BOB: No! Just killing bugs. Killing things. Anything! I’m not good at killing animals. I’m a vegetarian.
BLACK WIDOW: Well, good! We got a nice relationship then here! I’m pregnant, so I…
BLACK WIDOW: Well bless your heart thank you! I’m gonna be having a mess of little kids on your doorstep, so I hope you don’t mind. Now tell your baby there, what’s his name?
BLACK WIDOW: Now tell Isaac when he sneaks out here again not to disturb us now ‘cause…
BOB: He was…
BLACK WIDOW: Yea, he crawls out here all the time when you don’t latch the door.
BLACK WIDOW: Now tell him that we bite and it can be very dangerous to a little…
BOB: Do the babies bite? Shit, what am I saying. I think the previous owners left a fly swatter.
BLACK WIDOW: Oh forget it Bob, I’ll be gone before you get back hon. Now let me tell you what my bite does so if you see any of the symptoms on little Isaac there you’ll know.
BLACK WIDOW: My venom travels through the blood stream rapidly and acts on the nervous system.
BOB: All right.
BLACK WIDOW: Causing varying degrees of pain, mostly in the abdomen and back. Cramping and rigidity occur in the muscles.
BOB: I was always told that if you leave a spider alone, they won’t bug you!
BLACK WIDOW: You are right Bob! But your son ain’t gonna leave me alone! And you obviously can’t keep a trained eye on the little tyke. Now other symptoms include nausea, profuse perspiration and tremors.
BOB: Why don’t you just go away!
BLACK WIDOW: Oh okay, I’ll pack my pregnant ass up and find a place at the neighbors, come on!
BOB: What if I play loud music or…
BLACK WIDOW: Bugs don’t have ears Bob. Finally if left untreated there’s labored breathing, fever and certain death for a little guy like your son.
BOB: Now listen here.
BLACK WIDOW: You gonna kill me Bob? It would be good for ya I suppose. It would be the first kill on a long slow road of death and destruction. First me, then the cockroach in the kitchen, the rat in the attic, the mice in the garden, the termites, the kid’s goldfish and hamsters and snakes, putting to sleep Isaac’s dogs and cats. A house and family is just one long series of funerals really. You could start with me I suppose one quick kick with your foot when I’m not looking…
BOB: I think I’m going to wait until Katherine gets home.
BLACK WIDOW: Your wife? Come on Bob, doesn’t she do enough? Bring home the bacon and all? My ass is in your court, this is your job. I’m on your castle Bob. Besides, your wife’s a girl honey, she hates spiders remember?
BOB: An exterminator!
BLACK WIDOW: Got $800.00? You’re mortgaged to the moon Bob.
[Enter a Mormon. Female.]
BIBLE GIRL: Hello sir I was wondering if I could have a moment of your time.
BOB: I… Well…
BLACK WIDOW: Certainly out early today hon. Usually don’t get Mormons until the afternoon.
BIBLE GIRL: Are you familiar with the Lord’s Prayer?
BOB: Well, I’m Catholic so…
BIBLE GIRL: Then you are familiar, great. Can I ask you one question?
BOB: Look, I would love to discuss all this but…
BIBLE GIRL: What do the words thy kingdom come mean to you?
BOB: Thy kingdom come?
BLACK WIDOW: Didn’t we just go over all this at the turn of the millennium?
BIBLE GIRL: Thy kingdom come, thy will be done…
BOB: On earth as it is in heaven, I know.
BIBLE GIRL: What does it mean to you?
BOB: Well I’m sure to YOU it means the end of the world, but…
BIBLE GIRL: But what does it mean to you?
BLACK WIDOW: Does it matter honey? You’re gonna tell me what it REALLY means anyway.
BIBLE GIRL: Can I read you a passage from the Book of Daniel?
BOB: Look I have a baby and…
BIBLE GIRL: Really? How old is your little one?
BOB: Almost a year and he’s sick and napping and he crawls and…
BLACK WIDOW: Maybe she can tell you about the end of the world another time huh?
BIBLE GIRL: All suffering is soon to end. We are only trying to make the world a better place for you and your child.
BOB: Let me ask you something. Can I ask YOU a question?
BIBLE GIRL: Sure, please!
BOB: Did Jesus have a kid?
BIBLE GIRL: What?
BOB: Did Jesus ever get married, have a kid and buy a fucking over priced house.
BIBLE GIRL: Well…
BOB: Did he?
BIBLE GIRL: Sir I…
BOB: Answer the question.
BIBLE GIRL: No. He did not.
BOB: Then he don’t know shit.
BLACK WIDOW: Whoah Bob, let’s chill honey child.
BOB: Do you have children? A spouse? A house to take care of?
BIBLE GIRL: Now I understand that you are…
BOB: No! No you don’t understand! You don’t know shit! I haven’t had four straight hours of sleep in two months. I’ve just spent the last five minutes talking to a black widow okay? OKAY? How ‘bout that? You know NOTHING ABOUT PAIN and SUFFERING. Thy kingdom come? Please. KINGDOM COME and put me out of my FUCKING MISERY! Does that answer your question?
BIBLE GIRL: I know your soul is hurting.
BOB: Look I don’t need you to save my soul, I don’t need Jesus to give me shit about his will be done. I just need someone to kill this black widow on my front porch! Could God just help me out with that?
BIBLE GIRL: Maybe…
BIBLE GIRL: Maybe a pamphlet would help.
[Bob gets the idea. He turns to Black Widow.]
BLACK WIDOW: Now Bob, don’t get rash now.
BOB: Yes, a pamphlet.
BLACK WIDOW: Bob, now you’re a vegetarian. Remember?
BOB: A pamphlet will work nicely.
BLACK WIDOW: Thou shalt not kill Bob. Thou shalt not kill.
BOB: Would Jesus have killed a spider to save his baby son? Miss?
BIBLE GIRL: Would Jesus…?
BOB: These are the questions that need answered.
BLACK WIDOW: It’s pretty cut and dried Bob, thou shalt not kill!
BIBLE GIRL: We are all Jesus’ children, God’s children and…
BOB: Yes! True! Would he kill a spider for me?
BIBLE GIRL: I don’t… I don’t think he’d kill anything for anybody.
BOB: Well then Miss, I guess we’re on our own.
BLACK WIDOW: Bob! No Bob! No!
[He squashes the spider.]
BOB: Here’s your pamphlet back. Thanks.
BIBLE GIRL: You keep it.
BOB: Okay. Are you all right?
BIBLE GIRL: I’m having… I’m having a sudden crisis of faith.
BOB: Really. I’m sorry.
BIBLE GIRL: Does He know? Does He know what we really go through?
BIBLE GIRL: Him.
BOB: If he changes diapers at three in the morning, well then that would do it for me. I’d listen.
BIBLE GIRL: I want to have a child. [She goes to Bob and gives him a kiss.] Thank you.
[Bob watches her go.]
BOB: It’s going to be an interesting life. Anyone else? Anything else want to give me a problem? [a baby cries] I’m coming Isaac. I’m coming.
[He closes the front door behind him.]
FADE TO BLACK
Copyright © 2006 by Nick Zagone
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