[Lights up on JOHN and MARSHA. They’re actors. On stage with John and Marsha there might be some chairs.]

JOHN: 51 short plays about smoke in ten minutes. Go.

MARSHA: Do you smell smoke?

JOHN: What? (sniffs) No.

MARSHA: Oh.

JOHN and MARSHA: (wiping hands over face and bowing head) Aaaaaand scene.

MARSHA: Do you smell smoke?

JOHN: No, not at all! Why?!

MARSHA: Hmmm.

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

MARSHA: Do you small smoke?

JOHN: No.

MARSHA: I could swear I smell something burning…

JOHN: (points at something) Agghhhaaaa!

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

MARSHA: Do you small smoke?

JOHN: No.

MARSHA: I could swear I smell something burning…

JOHN: You’re crazy. There’s something wrong with you. You got problems! Forget this--I want a divorce.

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

MARSHA: Do you smell smoke?

JOHN: No! For the last time! No! NO!!

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

MARSHA: Do you smell smoke?

JOHN: I love you.

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

JOHN: Do you smell smoke?

MARSHA: Oh go to hell.

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

JOHN: Mind if I smoke?

MARSHA: No go right ahead.

JOHN: Thanks.

MARSHA: I used to be a smoker. I like the smell.

JOHN: I really appreciate it.

MARSHA: No problem. So I was wondering maybe I could…

JOHN: Taxi!

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

JOHN: Mind if I smoke?

MARSHA: No, go right ahead.

JOHN: Sorry, I know, nasty habit, but I love it. If I could smoke all day I would. I could be on a desert island with just me and my smokes. I just need a break. Get away from it all. By myself for a while, just me alone and my smokes. Nobody ya know. Desert Island, seriously, me myself and I, and my smokes. Wouldn’t that be great.

MARSHA: Yea. So would you like some company?

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaand scene.

JOHN: Mind if I smoke?

MARSHA: Not at all, I’m a smoker too.

JOHN: You smoke? Fantastic.

MARSHA: Let’s smoke!

JOHN: Yes! Let us smoke!

MARSHA: Let’s smoke and smoke and smoke!

JOHN: Let’s smoke until we cannot smoke anymore!

MARSHA: Let’s smoke until we die!

JOHN: Do you have a light?

MARSHA: Ah, shit.

JOHN: Taxi!

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

JOHN: Mind if I smoke?

MARSHA: No. Yes. Well, maybe. Well, I don’t know. Ummm. I don’t want to tell you what to do, but I do care about my health, but I’m sure one little smoke isn’t going to kill me. I’m conflicted. I guess it depends if you’re coming on to me.

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

JOHN: Mind if I smoke?

MARSHA: Mind if I die you selfish prick?

JOHN: Mind if I smoke?

MARSHA: No. Mind if I blow ping pong balls out of my vagina?

JOHN: Mind if I smoke?

MARSHA: (grabs him and kisses him) Take me now or lose me forever.

JOHN: Taxi!

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

JOHN: Care for a smokie?

MARSHA: An Oscar Mayer pork sausage you mean?

JOHN: Yeah, a little smokie, an hors devours for one… or two!

MARSHA: Mmmm-Mmm. Love those smokies!

JOHN: It’s a party in a can!

MARSHA: Now in turkey!

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

JOHN: Care for a smokie?

MARSHA: An Oscar Mayer pork sausage you mean?

JOHN: Yeah, a little smokie, an hors devours for one… or two!

MARSHA: I wouldn’t eat one of those if you paid me.

JOHN: Now in turkey!

Care for a smokie?

MARSHA: An Oscar Mayer pork sausage you mean?

JOHN: Yeah, a little smokie, an hors devours for one… or two!

MARSHA: I’d rather eat my own feces!

JOHN: Now in turkey!

Care for a smokie?

MARSHA: An Oscar Mayer pork sausage you mean?

JOHN: No, I mean a smoking pile of your own feces! Of course I mean an Oscar Mayer pork sausage!

MARSHA: Taxi!

JOHN: Care for a smokie?

MARSHA: No. No thank you.

JOHN: They’re good.

MARSHA: Sorry, I’m a vegan.

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

And now our scene “Care for a Smokie” by Anton Chekhov

JOHN: So. That’s the end of life here. Care… for a… smokie?

MARSHA: That’s funny, I can’t seem to find… No… No thank you.

JOHN: It’s cold out. Thirty degrees. They’re good. The smokies.

MARSHA: Where did it go? Yes, it’s cold. It’s the end of life here. Sorry, I’m a vegan.

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene. “Care for a Smokie” by Sophocles!

JOHN: Citizens! I will find this smokie and end the plague!

MARSHA: You are the one you seek!

JOHN: Yes! I am! I could eat, but I could not taste!

MARSHA: Oh curs-ed man. The gods will punish you. Cannot you see we are Vegans!

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene. “Care for a Smokie” by Shakespeare!

JOHN: Do you careth for smokie bode bodkin?

MARSHA: Rogue! I would lift my dress to a catfish!

JOHN: Come then, you lady are a fishmonger!

MARSHA: Words, words, words! Vegan am I, get thee gone!

JOHN: By Edward Albee!

MARSHA: What a dumpy can of smokies! Who said that? What a dumpy can of smokies!

JOHN: I don’t know!

MARSHA: Yes you do, you milquetoast good for nothing!

JOHN: I killed him! Our son was a Vegan! And I killed him!

MARSHA: Sam Shepard! You! You couldn’t even steal a can of smokies!

JOHN: You don’t think I can steal a smokie? I can steal a smokie I can fill this kitchen with smokies!

Eugene Ionesco!

MARSHA: Did you just see that herd of smokies running through town?

JOHN: I will not capitulate to the nazis! I mean the smokies!

MARSHA: Arthur Miller!

JOHN: For god’s sake dad your smokies are a dime a dozen and so are you!

MARSHA: Tennessee Williams!

JOHN: Blow out your smokies Laura, and so, goodbye.

MARSHA: David Mamet!

JOHN: Fuck you and your fuckin’ smokies you stupid fuck!

MARSHA: Martin Scorcese!

JOHN: Fuck you and your fuckin’ smokies you stupid fuck!

MARSHA: Andrew Lloyd Webber!

JOHN: (sings) “Midnight and the smokies are burning”

MARSHA: Marcel Marceau!

[They pantomime the scene, John ends it by giving Marsha a big red plastic flower.]

MARSHA: Tony Kushner!

JOHN: Please. Smokies are so Steven Spielberg.

Absurdism! “Care for a smokie?”

MARSHA: We should really go get some smokies.

JOHN: Yes we should.

MARSHA: Maybe tomorrow.

JOHN: Yes.

Realism! “Care for a smokie?”

MARSHA: Why wouldn’t I want a smokie?

JOHN: Existentialism! “Care for a smokie?”

MARSHA: If I am nothing else, I am a smokie.

JOHN: Surrealism! “Care for a smokie?”

MARSHA: Fishy. Fishy. Fish. Fish. Melted clock.

JOHN: Expressionism “Care for a smokie?”

[Puts his hands on his cheeks, mouth open a la Evard Munch]

Philosophical! “Care for a smokie?”

MARSHA: What do mean by smokie?

JOHN: Intellectual! “Care for a smokie?”

MARSHA: That depends on what you mean by smokie.

JOHN: Actual! “Care for a smokie?”

MARSHA: Actually? No.

JOHN: Aaand scene. How many is that?

MARSHA: 40! Ten more! One minute! What are we going to do?

JOHN: Got it! One-person historical figure plays! Nixon! Go!

MARSHA: I am not a smokie!

JOHN: Martin Luther King!

MARSHA: I have a smokie!

JOHN: Clinton!

MARSHA: Smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em!

JOHN: What?

MARSHA: Sorry I mean… give me an easy one…

JOHN: Ruth Bader Ginsberg!

MARSHA: Easier.

JOHN: Lincoln!

MARSHA: Let my smokies go!

JOHN: That’s Moses.

MARSHA: Is it?

JOHN: Yes. “Four score and seven smokies!” This isn’t working. Here, give me three at a time.

MARSHA: Orson Wells. Paris Hilton. And… that guy over there (points to someone in audience).

JOHN: “Smokie.” “Smokie. That’s hot.” “Smokie.” How’s that?

MARSHA: Sucked. Here I got one, God.

JOHN: God? Let’s start at the beginning.

MARSHA: In the beginning there was the smokie.

JOHN: No I mean, (sits) “Do you smell smoke?”

MARSHA: Okay. “Do smell smoke?”

JOHN: (sniffs) Why yes, yes I do.

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaand Scene.