- PRINCE 1
- PRINCE 2
- PRINCE 3
- ROYAL SUBJECT
- MARY JANE
- THREE KINGS
[PRINCE 1, 2, and 3, aka The Three Wise Men’s Dumber Younger Brothers, huddle downstage in cloaks and sandals. They also carry walking staffs. They’re waiting for something.]
PRINCE 2: Oh man, we are so in for it, we are so screwed.
PRINCE 1: Shut up.
PRINCE 2: King Herod Man, King Herod wants to see us! The King! THE King. What did we do wrong? King Herod man… you know what he does when you screw up? Do you?
PRINCE 3: What? What does he do?
PRINCE 2: He whacks it off.
PRINCE 3: It? What's it?
PRINCE 2: IT. IT!
PRINCE 3: It?
PRINCE 1: Dude man, come on think about it. It.
PRINCE 3: Oh! It! [beat] I still don't know what you're talking about.
[Enter King, Royal Subject, and company.]
ROYAL SUBJECT: All rise! May I introduce his royal ominous and infinite badness. Ladies and Gentlemen, one night and one night only, his eminence, let's give it up for King Herod! [applause]
HEROD: Thank you, thank you, I just flew in from Galilee and boy are my arms tired. You ever wonder why everyone around here carries staffs? What is up with that? I mean do we need that much help walking? Are sandals nowadays that bad? And where do these staffs come from anyway? We live in the desert! I mean I haven't seen a tree around here in 20 years! I mean that burning bush must have caused quite a fire-storm huh? HUH? [silence] All right never mind let's get on with business…
ROYAL SUBJECT: I'm sorry your royal eminence, King of Comedy might not be your calling.
HEROD: What was that? What did you say?
ROYAL SUBJECT: Nothing! Nothing sire!
HEROD: Crucify this man! Out of here! Out!
[Several grab the SUBJECT.]
EXECUTIONER: Excuse me your worship. Don't you want us to "whack it off"…Sire?
HEROD: Of course! Of course I want you to whack it off, then I want you to crucify him! No wait, whack it off and then crucify IT! Ha!
[All agree and carry off Royal Subject. Herod sees the Princes.]
HEROD: Who are you three dufusses?
PRINCE 1: Uh. We sir, we were left a message to see you sir. We're your three royal astrologers' younger brothers, sir.
HEROD: Oh yes! My three wise men, Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh. And what are your names?
PRINCE 1: Oh, I'm Bronze, this is Incense, and he's Gum Resin.
HEROD: Do you know where your brothers are?
PRINCE 1: Well last I heard…
PRINCE 2: No sir! No we don't! Have no idea! Uh-uh, no way, couldn't tell you. Can we go now?
HEROD: You sound like you know where they are but you aren't telling me!
PRINCE 2: Oh no sir, I always sound like this. Perpetually guilty, even when I'm not, it's a cross I have to bear. Ooops.
HEROD: Sounds like you want me to whack it off!
PRINCE 2: No!
PRINCE 1: Nevermind him your royal uptightness he's adopted, we think he's half Greek…
PRINCE 3: Excuse me sir.
PRINCE 3: Question. What exactly is this "it" you whack off? Just wondering.
HEROD: Well… you know. It. It!
PRINCE 3: No I don't know. Is it like my arm? My hair? My toe? What?
HEROD: Well… tell you the truth, I don't really know, I just said it once and everybody laughed and then they carried some poor sap off. I never really checked. Hmmm… you truly ARE wise men.
PRINCE 2: Oh you bet sir, we're wise, we're very wise, why we're so wise we… well I don't know, I'm the stupid one.
PRINCE 1: Shut up!
HEROD: All right here's the scoop! I sent my three astrologersslashkingsslashwisemenslashyourbrothers to go search under that big star that was out last week for this so called Baby King that was supposed to be born and then…
PRINCE 1: Yes?
HEROD: I told them to rub the little bugger out.
PRINCE 3: Kill him? Why?
HEROD: Why? Because I'M the king stupid! I'm the one who does King stuff around here. Is it not obvious? You just saw me order somebody's "it" whacked off right?
PRINCE 2: Oh yes sir, sir. You're the best it whacker offerer we've had in power for years. After all you’re a Democrat!
HEROD: That's right! [beat] I actually took power with a majority vote and don't you forget it! Anyway, your brothers were supposed to be back by now, and they're not, so I want you guys to go out and find them and bring back the official news of this new little King's demise, ya know what I'm sayin'? And if you don't come back soon. Whack! Whack! Whack it!
[Herod exits with entourage fanfare to Devo's "Whack it!" (Whip it). Get the rights or you’ll get sued. Beat.]
PRINCE 3: But we don't know what "it" is!
[Cross-fade to a Manger Scene. Friends Sally and Mary Jane.]
SALLY: You must be absolutely devastated!
MARY JANE: Well now Sally come on, not really devastated…
SALLY: But Mary Jane you must be! I'd be devastated, you must be devastated to not know who the father of your own baby is…
MARY JANE: I'm pretty sure he's George's, I just had a quick little fling with my old boyfriend Jacob before we got married that's all so maybe it's his. But hey, it doesn't matter, little Achmed is a beautiful bouncing baby boy and I love him…
SALLY: Devastating! Absolutely devastating I tell you! George at least must be devastated!
MARY JANE: George doesn't know. But we're peachy compared to next door in the other stable.
SALLY: Who's next door?
MARY JANE: Mary and Joseph and their new little baby. Our lives are easy compared to their situation.
SALLY: Why what's going on? Tell me, tell me, tell me! Is it devastating?
MARY JANE: Devastating isn't the half of it. Mary doesn't even know how she got pregnant cause she's a virgin and Joseph doesn't know how she got pregnant either because they never… ya know…
SALLY: Oh my, that's absolutely devastating!
MARY JANE: But that baby of theirs? Absolutely beautiful I tell you. I thought little Achmed was beautiful, but let me tell you this baby is something special!
SALLY: Why? Is it bad? Is it devastating?
MARY JANE: Well he can speak already for one thing, he sat right up and blessed me when I came through the stable door.
SALLY: Blessed you?
MARY JANE: Yea, I don't know, you got me, but it was nice.
SALLY: They must be devastated!
MARY JANE: They're takin' it pretty good all in all. There's word around the campfire that they may have the New King on their hands.
SALLY: That must be what that bright star is all about.
[Enter George, with Albertson's Striker's Sign smashed over his head.]
GEORGE: Hi Mary Jane, Sally.
MARY JANE: Hi George.
GEORGE: All I could rustle up was some unleavened bread and some manna.
MARY JANE: George you know I'm on Atkins!
GEORGE: Hey, you try finding food out there with the strike on and all the holiday shoppers and there's still no room at the Inn!… And next door, criminy sakes, it's like a revolving door for Kings and shepherds to take a gander at that little baby of Mary and Joseph's. I mean what's the big deal, like they haven't seen a baby before, I mean what's wrong with our baby? He's nice, look at him… [looks] Honey wipe his face he's got like puke and snot all over him. Yuck.
SALLY: So George you must be devastated the baby might not be yours.
MARY JANE: Sally!
SALLY: Oh I'm sorry, I wasn't supposed to tell? But now that you know George, you must be devastated.
GEORGE: Did you screw around with that little pissant Jacob? I'm gonna kick that boy's ass.
MARY JANE: It's yours George, of course it's yours look at him! He has your eyes!
GEORGE: [looks] Yea, he's a cute little bugger. Oh-oh he just vomited again.
SALLY: The devastation in this stable, oh the horrible devastation, it's all so wonderful! I mean horrible…
GEORGE: You want devastation? I'll give you devastation. That's the last of the food. I got no job. And my stock portfolio’s in the tank okay? I don't know how we're going to feed the little stinker.
SALLY: Oh the devastation! Oh my God! Yes! Yes! The devastation! [orgasms] Oh! Devastate me! Ohhh! [beat] okay… all better.
[Enter the three princes.]
PRINCE 1: Excuse me is this where the new King is born?
MARY JANE: Oh the new King baby? No you want to go…
GEORGE: Wait a minute! Ho! Wait a minute! Uh… who's askin'?
PRINCE 1: We're the Princes of the three astrological Kings for King Herod.
GEORGE: Princes from King Herod huh? Well uh… what do you want?
PRINCE 3: Hey they have a baby… [to George] I see you have a newborn baby.
PRINCE 2: With a very pukey face.
GEORGE: Yes we do have a baby, why?
PRINCE 2: Were there three Kings in here who might have given you Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh?
GEORGE: Uh, yea, yea, sure I think those guys were in here. Did they look like Kings?
PRINCE 1: Yea.
GEORGE: Did they look like Kings that were uh… astrologers?
PRINCE 2: Yes, yes, that's them!
GEORGE: Yea, they were here. Sure.
PRINCE 3: Can you tell us where they went?
GEORGE: Sure, sure, but first you have to uh make an offering ya know, to our uh, to the new King.
PRINCE 1: So this really is the birthplace of the new King.
GEORGE: That's right. Our little baby King Achmed, wrapped in swaddling clothes and laid in manger… you saw the star right?
PRINCE 2: Star?
GEORGE: Up in the sky! You can't tell me you missed the thing, it's been keeping us up all night!
PRINCE 1: Excuse me.
[PRINCE 1 pulls his comrades aside.]
PRINCE 1: That's him! Dude that's the King! The baby our brothers were supposed to knock off!
PRINCE 3: You think so?
PRINCE 1: Yea, remember the New King that King Herod was all hot under the collar about?
PRINCE 2: Oh yea! The King! But it looks like our brothers didn't finish the job and kill the little bugger, I wonder why?
PRINCE 1: It doesn't matter man, now we can do it, and King Herod will like love us and shower us with gifts, and money and, and beautiful chicks!
PRINCE 3: Beautiful chicks?
PRINCE 2: Yea, but most of all he won't whack our "it" off!
PRINCE 1: Let's kill this little baby, get out of here and get showered with presents and beautiful naked dancing broads.
PRINCE 3: Wait a sec! The King didn't say anything about no dancing naked broads.
PRINCE 1: Yes he did!
PRINCE 3: No he didn't! And what? We're supposed to kill a baby? I ain't killin' no baby. Are you gonna kill a baby?
PRINCE 2: No I couldn't kill a baby. I can barely milk a camel.
PRINCE 3: You don't milk a camel.
PRINCE 2: Oh yea!? Well what was that I was pulling on! [beat] Nevermind.
PRINCE 1: Look, I'll kill the baby you wusses.
PRINCE 3: Fine smart alec. You kill a little helpless baby. I'm not having any part of it.
GEORGE: So you guys ready to make an offering? Huh? We take cash, check, money order…
PRINCE 1: Sure! Sure! We'll give you… many gifts of fine bronze, incense and gum resin!
PRINCE 1: Sure! We got food too! But I just want to take a look at the little tyke first, may I?
[MARY JANE and GEORGE exchange a look, then MARY JANE hands over her baby.]
PRINCE 1: Oh there he is! Now aren't you a cute little guy. Let me wipe off some of your green and chunky disgusting spit-up there…
[Sally sashays over to Prince 1 and talks in his ear.]
SALLY: It must be devastating for you.
PRINCE 1: What's that?
SALLY: Being the younger brother of a wise astrologer for the King.
PRINCE 1: Well…
SALLY: Never to be the first born, always getting second hand crowns and cloaks, never thought of as a leader, never taken seriously…
PRINCE 1: It ain't a picnic I'll tell you that…
SALLY: Devastating. Absolutely devastating I'm sure. Living your life like a second class citizen. Never the first at anything. Forever merely a follower. Devastating.
PRINCE 1: Well my dear, not today!
[He pulls a knife! Everyone screams!]
MARY: Excuse me.
[MARY, the mother of God enters. Everyone freezes.]
MARY: Just Mary from next door, I'm sorry if I'm interrupting.
GEORGE: No, not at all!
MARY: Joseph, Jesus and I would like to invite you over for a quiet celebration. Nothing big just a little holiday get-together.
GEORGE: Really? Will there be food?
MARY: Loaves and fishes for everyone.
MARY JANE: Can I bring anything Mary? I hate to go over empty handed, George just got some fresh manna!
MARY: Well bless your heart.
GEORGE: You all want to go?
[Everyone says sure, okay, fine, why not? George takes baby back.]
GEORGE: I think I better take this. I'm not even sure it's mine, but either way I'm positive I can't have you kill it or nothing.
PRINCE 1: Right, right, sure, of course, I understand.
[Reveal tableau manger scene with Older Brother THREE KINGS and shepherds.]
MARY: Come in please, make yourself at home…
PRINCE 123: Brothers!
3 KINGS: What are you doing here!
PRINCE 123: Looking for you!
3KINGS: We're glad you came/ We need you to help us spread the word/ about our new king!
PRINCE 123: Us?/ Really?/ Are you sure?/ That's great!
PRINCE 3: Wait, what about King Herod. He's gonna whack our "it" off.
PRINCE 2: That's right! We're all goners!
3KINGS: Don't you worry 'bout him/ We got a new king/He's old news/ and he's a democrat, he'll get voted out soon enough…/ We love you brothers
PRINCE 123: [burst into tears] You do? You love us? That's beautiful man, we thought you hated us.
3 KINGS: Well we did actually, cause you're so stupid. Then we saw this little baby and well, we don't really care what you are anymore.
[They group hug.]
MARY: [to Sally] I'm so sorry, little Jesus told me you can't join us. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
SALLY: That's devastating, absolutely devastating for me! Why?
MARY: Something about The Christmas Spirit. Out you go!
[Sally backs off, pouts.]
[The manger scene tableaus around the baby Jesus.]
[Mary sees Sally watching, gets up.]
MARY: Excuse me.
[She shuts the curtain.]
SALLY: Oh my God. I'm devastated!
Copyright © 2007 by Nick Zagone
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