ANGELINA JOLIE:
Everybody has stalkers. I know I’m not the only one. Hire better security, I always said. Don’t make yourself a target. You know that’s why I decided to do Lara Croft. I wasn’t into it at first. But then I realized, yes. That will scare the shit out of anyone who tries to mess with me. That line between reality and fiction is so fucking blurry. And these mother fuckers who are so messed up in the head that they.... You know what it’s about, don’t you? They want to inhabit me. Not be me. Because if they really knew what it was to be me, they wouldn’t want a piece of that for breakfast.. No, they want to lose themselves inside my aura. They want to be swallowed up by me. Some part of them thinks if they stalk me long enough and to the point of terror.... That their miserable lives will cease. And they’ll ascend to the level of ... Angelina Jolie.
ANGELINA JOLIE:
It’s bark. It neutralizes body odor. Among other benefits.
I want to make it perfectly clear. I am not afraid. And I’m nobody’s bitch.
MALIA:
That feels nice.
COLIN:
I think I should check the back door. I can’t remember if I locked it.
MALIA:
You just checked the doors five minutes ago.
COLIN:
I know. But I can’t shake this feeling. I’ll be right back.
ANGELINA JOLIE:
Every night. They come home from work, have dinner at 6:30, watch an hour of TV and Then sex. Every. Single. Night. How is that sustainable? You are in for a rude awakening, my friends. Honey, I don’t care how tight your ass is, even Angelina Jolie doesn’t have sex every night.
[COLIN returns.]
COLIN:
Did you hear that?
MALIA:
What?
COLIN:
The tapping at the window.
[COLIN goes to the window. Listens.]
MALIA:
Please don’t make this night about her. Colin.
[COLIN is staring out the window. He thinks he sees something. He jumps away and ducks.]
MALIA:
A branch. Just a branch, honey. It’s windy out there tonight.
[But COLIN is freaked. He remains on the floor. MALIA goes to him and snuggles up to him on the floor. She lifts his hands and puts them back on her shoulders. She wiggles her shoulders a bit to get him to start massaging again. He does. Absent-mindedly.]
COLIN:
That wasn’t a branch.
[beat]
It’s her. She’s out there again.
ANGELINA JOLIE:
(to the audience) The knowledge alone is enough. The knowledge that someone wants to invade my soul. That they’ll go to extremes. That knowledge is enough to turn me into a bleeding ulcer.... power. I needed what they had. So I decided the only way to know what they felt was to do what they do. To stalk. Taking back my power. The stalked becomes the stalker.
[COLIN stops massaging. He paces.]
COLIN:
Why is she doing this to us? Why me?
MALIA:
Colin...
COLIN:
Don’t say it, Malia.
MALIA:
You don’t know what I was gonna say.
COLIN:
You were going to say that it’s impossible. That it’s all in my imagination. That Angelina Jolie couldn’t possibly be stalking me.
MALIA:
No. See. That’s not what I was going to say.
COLIN:
Okay. Then what?
MALIA:
I was going to ask if this is, like, some role play thing.
COLIN:
Role play?
MALIA:
Am I supposed to go along with it? Does it turn you on to imagine Angelina Jolie watching us try to make a baby?
COLIN:
We talked about this. Don’t say “make a baby.” It’s too much pressure.
MALIA:
Sorry. Make love.
[beat]
I mean, I get it. Who wouldn’t want to be stalked by Angelina Jolie?! Her legs go on for days. And if it helps...
COLIN:
Tomorrow. I’m going to the police and I’m gonna tell them everything. I’ll tell them about how I met her at the 76 Station on Willis...
MALIA:
Colin, I’m ovulating.
COLIN:
How I was pumping gas and just spacing out when she caught my attention.
MALIA:
Did you hear me?
COLIN:
And I could tell the car was a rental because she pulled up to the wrong side and had to back it out and turn around. That and it was a--
MALIA:
White Toyota Camry. Yes. You told me. But it really doesn’t seem like a car Angelina Jolie would drive.
COLIN:
To blend in. To play a character. She gets out of the car... and these legs.
MALIA:
Okay. Enough about her legs, Colin.
COLIN:
I’m just saying. She was wearing jean shorts.
MALIA:
Again. Does not sound like anything she would wear.
COLIN:
Really? Do you know her?
MALIA:
Jean shorts, Colin? And why was she here? In Wisconsin of all places?
COLIN:
Maybe she’s making a movie here. Maybe she was looking for a long lost relative. Maybe she wanted some cheese. I don’t know. But she’s here. I saw her. She spoke to me.
ANGELINA JOLIE:
(to COLIN) Do you know how to work this thing?
COLIN:
(to the audience) It was her voice. So familiar. It was like an old friend.
[beat]
And then it was her mouth. Lips, actually. Those... lips.
MALIA:
This isn’t turning me on. It’s just making me jealous.
ANGELINA JOLIE:
(to COLIN) It keeps clicking and stopping. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Can you--?
COLIN:
(to AJ) Sure, Angie.
[Beat.]
ANGELINA JOLIE:
What did you just say?
COLIN:
(to MALIA) It just slipped out. It was completely unconscious. (to ANGELINA JOLIE) Um. Angie. I said Angie. Is that not... I thought that’s what--
ANGELINA JOLIE: You know my name.
COLIN:
Everyone knows your name.
[MALIA removes her robe to reveal a sexy nighty. COLIN doesn’t notice. MALIA pouts. Her pout goes unnoticed through the following...]
COLIN:
For like a whole minute she says nothing. She just stares at me. It was weird. She’s definitely weird. Everything they say? They’re right.
[beat]
I can’t get the pump to work. (to ANGELINA) I think it’s broken.
[beat]
Again she just watches me. With this weird, far-off look in her eye.
[MALIA tries a sexy pose trying to draw COLIN’S gaze. It doesn’t work.]
COLIN:
I know it’s weird that she’s here and not in Cannes like TMZ says she is. But I’m telling you, she’s in Wisconsin in a white Camry driving around in short shorts. And that is what I will tell the Police.
MALIA:
And they will definitely believe you.
ANGELINA JOLIE:
Something about the way that guy said my name. That he knew my name and felt that he could say it. Not just my name. My nickname. His assumed familiarity really pissed me off. And it took me right back to that moment a year ago when I discovered my stalker urinating on my kitchen floor.
[beat]
No. That’s not a metaphor. Some asshole stalker really took a piss on my kitchen floor like he was trying to mark his territory. Yeah. Welcome to my life. And this guy? He reminded me of him.
COLIN:
After work I’m walking to my car when I feel someone watching me. Then I see her car parked right next to mine. She’s sitting in the driver’s seat... eyes on me like a hawk.
MALIA:
So you’re saying she followed you from the gas station and sat out in her rental car all day waiting for you?
COLIN:
She must have.
MALIA:
Angelina Jolie?
ANGELINA JOLIE:
It’s really boring. It’s like get a fucking life. Go adopt a fucking kid or something. Live your own damn life and stop ruining mine.
COLIN:
She called me “Maxwell.”
ANGELINA JOLIE:
Scared him that I knew his nickname. See how it feels, ya dick?
COLIN:
It feels like those naked dreams.
ANGELINA JOLIE:
It took some digging to find it. I’d been waiting all day for that moment rehearsing how I’d say it. (rehearsing) Hi, Maxwell.
(beat) Hello, Maxwell. (beat) Finally, Maxwell. Maxwell, Maxwell, Maxwell. (beat) I wonder if my stalkers do that. Rehearse. Probably not.
COLIN:
It was like I was looking for cameras because I was definitely being punked.
[to ANGELINA JOLIE]
This is like a joke, right? I’m being punked? You’re like a celebrity look-a-like and this is some hidden camera show? Because what the hell would Angelina Jolie be doing in Wisconsin in a white Camry... talking to me?
ANGELINA JOLIE:
(to the audience) Here’s a tip. Sometimes silence is a hell of a lot scarier than anything you can think of saying. So I just sat there.
[beat]
The terror in his eyes was palpable. He backed away. Slow at first. And then, like in a movie, he ran, tripping over himself, around to the driver side of his car.
MALIA:
Did you realize it’s been a year, Colin?
COLIN:
What does that have to do with anything?
MALIA:
I know sex every day can get tiring. How sometimes it feels like a chore. But we’ll get there. Soon. I feel it. I’ll be pregnant again soon. But I need you to focus. On me. On us.
COLIN:
I’m not really in the mood.
MALIA:
We don’t have the luxury of waiting for the mood.
[beat]
Maybe you created this fantasy to spice things up between us. Or maybe it’s a creation of your subconscious to avoid dealing with the pain of having lost a child. But either way, I’m over it.
COLIN:
For the hundredth time, it’s not a fantasy. ANGELINA JOLIE IS STALKING ME!!
[A beat.]
MALIA:
Do you know how crazy you sound?
ANGELINA JOLIE:
This perch here in the morning glory outside this ordinary couple’s house in Wisconsin is better than any therapist’s couch. I sit here watching the distance grow between these two...
knowing I’m the cause... and it makes me feel powerful again. (beat) Maybe I am a home wrecker.
MALIA:
Do you want me to invite her in so you can fuck her? Is that what you want?
ANGELINA JOLIE:
Yes. That is exactly what he wants.
COLIN:
No.
ANGELINA JOLIE: No?
MALIA: No?
COLIN: No.
[MALIA turns to leave.]
COLIN:
Where are you going?!
MALIA:
I’m going to talk to her. If she’s really there.
COLIN: No!
MALIA: (to the audience) Part of me was hoping to find her. All of me, perhaps. I don’t mind being wrong if it means my husband’s not crazy. I imagined what I’d say if I saw her. I rehearsed it in my head: “I want to make something very clear. I’m not afraid of you. And I’m nobody’s bitch.”
(beat) But she wasn’t there.
[MALIA looks. Listens. Nothing. Then COLIN appears behind her.]
COLIN:
She was right here. I swear.
MALIA:
Colin. She’s not here. She never was.
COLIN:
Check for clues.
MALIA:
Clues?
[He bends down and picks up a piece of bark.
Holds it up like it’s the evidence he needs.]
COLIN:
Bark. Didn’t I tell you I saw her chewing bark?
MALIA:
I can’t do this anymore, Colin.
COLIN:
Malia...
MALIA:
No. I’m done.
[She exits. He turns. He’s about to follow her when he sees ANGELINA JOLIE. He freezes.]
ANGELINA JOLIE:
I’m not really here. Just... pretend you never saw me.
COLIN:
Are you--? Gonna hurt me?
ANGELINA JOLIE:
Am I even here?
[COLIN is paralyzed.]
ANGELINA JOLIE:
Did you know that one piece of bark this size has more amino acids than half an avocado?
This tree has exquisite bark. Young bark, you know? It’s best to chew it when it’s young. Before the environment has a chance to poison it.
[ANGELINA JOLIE exits. COLIN looks at the bark in his hands. He slowly puts the bark in his mouth and chews it.
A beat.
He spits it out.]
COLIN:
Malia!
